I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
