I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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