everyone is single if you try hard enough
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
