You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
