remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
