Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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