I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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