We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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