god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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