I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
