I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just googled if crying burns calories
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
