I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
