fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
