watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You are a genius and a whore.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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