Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
