How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
