What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
