based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
