So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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