Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
