Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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