My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
