Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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