i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
