After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
