The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
