Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
