The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
