sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
