Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
