Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
