Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
