Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
