pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
