Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
