Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
