The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I fill condoms, not promises.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
