Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
