He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
