If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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