I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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