Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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