never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
