I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
