I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
