i love accidental penises.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
