yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
