buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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