Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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