you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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